I like to award the kids when they come home with good grades, but this is getting difficult due to my daughter. She is working really hard, but still struggles and has had to stay behind to study when we go out to places. It's getting hard to show my son that he is doing a good job while my daughter is looking on. I don't want to stop showing him that I am proud, but I don't want my daughter to feel that I feel any less for her.

Answer: Parenting equitably is often a struggle, and it is especially difficult when one child has learning disabilities, or special medical or behavioral requirements.

Children’s academic needs differ from child to child, based on the problem and the temperament of the child. One child can work a few extra minutes on a subject to keep up, while another needs specialized tutoring. Spending more time on homework is not effective if it is not geared to address your daughter’s deficits.

Make sure your expectations are reasonable, obtainable and age-appropriate. Her teacher may be able to help you strategize a realistic homework plan that will enhance her learning and not overwhelm or discourage her.

Your statement that your daughter "has had to stay behind to study when we go out to places" reinforces the very thing you want to avoid — showing favoritism toward your son. Children should not miss family outings because they have difficulties in school. Feeling left out or left behind is not conducive to learning and stresses the sibling relationship.

You and your children could work on a structured after-school schedule, which allows each child a chance to organize a schedule based on the grade-level demands. Work on balancing play, work and family time.

Give each of your children additional scheduled "special time" alone with you. Try to do this with each child once a month and let each one pick an activity to do with you. This gives you the opportunity to find out how each of them is doing and allows you time to reinforce their strengths as well as hear their concerns.

Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Debra has worked in both primary and middle schools as a school counselor. She gives workshops to teachers and students on a variety of topics concerning youth and families and offers parenting classes and parent coaching to parents throughout the Bay Area. Debra is also a mental health assessor for the San Francisco Unified School District.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition. .

January 2006